A few weeks ago, I visited a dear friend in the hospital, two days after giving birth to her second daughter. As I watched her big girl hold her baby girl, I was flooded with love for these little ones, and held a prayer in my heart that they may always know how truly brilliant and perfect they are. Love, embodied.
My friend is an incredible mom, and yet I know that even with great parenting, growing into womanhood with a deep sense of self-worth intact can be beyond challenging.
I grew up with an ambitious mom. She worked a full-time government job that she was very passionate about, working her way up through the ranks. At home, I was told that when I grew up, I could be and do anything I wanted.
On the playground and later at the mall, though, I often saw and heard a different story. I learned that my skin was too brown, that my hair wasn’t blonde enough, that freckles were ugly and that it was important to be pretty, smart, fashionable and funny.
As I flipped through teen magazines, I took quizzes that rated me: “How Attractive Are You To Guys?” and “What Does Your Face Shape Say About You?” I always knew the “right” answers, but no matter what I scored, I knew I didn’t measure up.
As women, it’s nearly impossible to have grown up in these times with a firm sense of self-worth. We often learned that our value in the world was based on our looks, our demeanor and the confidence we exuded (whether it was genuine or not). In the past few generations, we’ve emphasized intelligence and accomplishment as other critical measurements, leading to increased messaging to girls that it’s more important to be smart than pretty.
But all of this emphasis on looking good, being good and doing good as measurements of our value and our worth, can be deeply damaging. As a Women’s Leadership Coach, I hear it all the time: Even ambitious women who appear totally confident on the outside, often fear that they’re not smart enough, not skinny enough, not tall enough, not outgoing enough, not nice enough, not funny enough, not pretty enough, not successful enough… Too tall, too outspoken, too fat, too skinny, too masculine, too nice, too talkative, too shy, too ambitious.
Many of us overeat, overspend and overwork because we feel like something is missing or broken within our lives or within ourselves, and we’re desperately trying to soothe ourselves and prove ourselves. We might secretly compare ourselves to other women, constantly judging whether we’re “better” or “worse” than them. Divide and conquer? In many ways, it’s happening.
As women, now is our time to step out of this divisive mentality – the underlying belief that our worth is somehow based on what we do or how we look. It’s time that we upgrade our sense of self-worth and embrace that we are valuable and worthy, simply because we exist. This isn’t about buying into an illusion that we are without our faults or foibles; it’s about teaching our girls by example that they are loved just for being. This isn’t about letting ourselves off the hook around making a contribution in the world; it’s about respecting one another’s unique gifts and shining them more brightly into the world. This isn’t about it’s about egotism; it’s about having a powerful sense of self-worth that isn’t tied to accomplishments or what we have, so we can end this divisive social hierarchy amongst women.
I have hope that if we commit to embracing our own innate worth, we can begin to change the statistics around eating disorders, bullying, depression and domestic violence. It starts with us.
When you’re judging yourself harshly.
Take a deep breath and be glad that you noticed. This is the beginning of changing this pattern! Consider how a loving, gentle, well-resourced version of you might speak to your daughter, and speak to yourself that way. Be encouraging, patient and kind. If you’re not used to this, it may feel strange and take some practice. Be gentle with yourself and know that this – the inner work – is important work to do, too.
When you find yourself judging another woman.
If you’re saying harsh or critical things about another woman in your mind and you catch yourself, celebrate the fact that you caught it! Again, this is a great opportunity to change the pattern. Imagine putting yourself in her shoes for a moment, and consider that there’s always more than meets the eye. Be willing to let go of your criticism in service of sisterhood, and soften to her with compassion.
When you’re about to spend, eat or work mindlessly.
As I mentioned, we often use food, shopping, work and other things to soothe or prove ourselves. Next time you catch yourself about to do that, ask yourself “How do I want to feel?” and take responsibility for creating that feeling within yourself before you pull out your credit card, take the first bite, or open your computer. When your tank is full, you’re less likely to spend, eat and work from a unhealthy place.
When you talk to children.
Instead of jumping to praise them for their pretty dress or great test score, first feel your love for them, because that will impact them more than anything you could say. When you speak with them, show a genuine interest in them; ask them about what they’re reading right now, what they’re excited about, what their favorite color or song is. Your loving curiosity and attention will more likely lead to them feeling valued just for being.
➞ Join the sisterhood in the comments below, and share where you are in the journey of embracing your innate worth as a woman, and what you’re committed to in terms of deepening your relationship with value.
You are so onpoint Nisha. We grow up having to fit in some beauty standards. One day as I was getting ready for a video shoot, I suddenly thought: Do I have to look good to succeed? People come to me for the health advice I give not for the way my hair looks today. If I was a man I’d probably not even think about it.
Another example: Men talking about what country or what field of study has the prettiest women. Ugh. Being an engineer I often heard about how “female engineers are ugly”. Do women discuss what country or field of study has the hottest men? Maybe, but not nearly as often!
There is nothing wrong with trying to be pretty, but this doesn’t eliminate the fact that there is pressure to look your best, and that looks matter esp. if you’re a woman. Thanks for pointing this out.
You are so right, sister! It’s time to come together to support, accept and embrace one another – and ourselves. Thanks so much for sharing your story. xoxox
“As women, now is our time to step out of this divisive mentality – the underlying belief that our worth is somehow based on what we do or how we look. It’s time that we upgrade our sense of self-worth and embrace that we are valuable and worthy, simply because we exist.”
You are so lovely, Nisha! Love this.
I have to admit that when I found out I was having a girl the second time around I mildly freaked out. It is hard enough for me to be a women, much less raise one!
But day by day it gets easier, and I have become a better woman because she is in my life.
It has forced me to view myself as a role model to my little girl and hold myself accountable for my actions and feelings. I must act, feel, speak and live the way I want her to.
Every time she sees herself in the mirror she waves and gives herself kisses. I don’t want that to stop.
Maybe we should all kiss ourselves in the mirror every morning like little Maeve 🙂
Oh, I love that. What a cutie pie! Yes, we could all learn a message from Miss. Maeve. Thanks for sharing, Lindsay 🙂 xo, Nisha
I loved this post. I have two daughters and now and then they ask questions about why I do things such as shave my legs, have hair on my upper lip, why I got on the scale every morning. It so help become of aware of the things I was doing and more importantly WHY and WHAT was the message I was sending. Your question on how you want to feel just continues to show it’s profound impact. <3
Girls are such teachers for us, right? Thank you so much for sharing, Carina. They do learn so much from watching us. Love, Nisha
The oppression hit me in my teen years in the way that I didn’t want to look in the mirror because I felt so uncomfortable on the inside that I must have looked deformed on the outside. I saw the ill-ease in my face every time I caught a glimpse of it so completely avoided mirrors. I had always wanted to simply feel present and at ease in myself. I believe that having children at 31 was my greatest gift as it helped me to always decide from the inside how I wanted to feel and express myself on the outside. The best gift I could imagine giving them is for them to feel at ease with themselves and present in their lives. Thank you for this wonderful post Nisha! It’s a great reminder of just how much oppression we take on as women. (((Hugs)))
Thank you so much for sharing your touching story, Debra. (((Hugs))) to you too, sister!
Wow! Really beautiful post. Thank you for writing.
Thank you for reading and commenting, Rachel. So appreciate your support. xoxo
Thanks so much for writing this, Nisha. I’m guilty of overworking and of judging other women harshly. I’ve recently experienced a traumatic life experience that in the grand scheme of it all, is simply another lesson in my life journey.
Taking the time to put myself in another woman’s shoes and taking the time to ask myself how I want to feel is incredibly profound and earth-shattering for me at this very moment in time.
xo Amélie
Oh, Amelie. Touched by your story and inspired by you for being so open and raw in your sharing. Thank you! xoxo Nisha
Can I get an Amen, sister!!! Coming from corporate finance land I have seen so many women push each other down instead of lifting each other up. It would be so incredibly powerful if women supported each other more and accepted each other in a loving way without the judgement that societal norms have encouraged us to do. I am working on being as whole and fulfilled as possible to support all of the women in my life, so we can all be the best we can be and feel great on the inside. Thank you for the great message, Nisha!!!
Amen, sister! Imagine what we could create if women around the world support and uplift one another. Beautiful!
Thank you Nisha for sharing such an important message with clarity & love!
I really appreciate how you mentioned, “when you catch yourself judging, celebrate you witnessed it & use it is an opportunity to change a pattern”. This way of approaching ourselves, with self-compassion, forgiveness, and acceptance is so important. It is certainly much harder for me to have compassion for others if I don’t have any for myself!
Keep up the wonderful & empowering reminders, we so appreciate them!
Love and compassion for ourselves is the best way to have love and compassion for others. A reminder for all of us to carry in our hearts, always. Thank you for your thoughtful comment and caring support. Much love to you.
Wowsa! “Value for just existing.” What a succinct powerful life changing idea. Love the whole article. More than anything about how to talk to children, “feel love the first”. Again nailed it one sentence! Thank you.
What a wonderful post! I often judge myself and other women very harshly. But now I think, what am I putting out into the world? More negativity? What would I like to see? More friendship and goodwill from other women. I am learning to let go of judgements and smile more around other women instead of being paranoid and defensive. It is definitely a process!