Last year, I sat with a dear friend while he shared about his struggles in his marriage. He and his wife had been together for years and just had a baby – they were committed to making it work. He felt lost, though, and despite their many efforts at finding peace in their partnership, they still felt like they were unraveling faster than they could weave themselves back together.
Being the self-aware dude that he is, he was taking a deep look at his own fears, limiting beliefs and resistances to loving, healing, and moving forward.
In our conversation, he shared his awareness that when she was upset, he disconnected emotionally, triggered by old childhood stuff (oh yes, we’ve all got it.) He wanted to move past his past, but his reaction was so powerful and automatic, he couldn’t find his way though.
As we sat together, I offered to take him on a guided journey to “meet” his fears head-on. He nodded, we closed our eyes, and I intuitively began to guide him in a visualization to the heart of his wife’s storm – the place where she got upset and he shut down. As we were traveling, there were moments that he felt himself contract and freeze, paralyzed by fear, shutting down. Intent on not letting him disconnect emotionally, I knew we had to find some comfort in the storm, so he could feel safe to move forward. Intuitively inspired, I asked, “How do you feel about Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches?”. “Ohhh”, he said with a sigh of relief, “I’ve always felt comforted by them, ever since I was a little boy.” Bingo. We’d found his blanky – PB&J.
So we paused our journey into the eye of the storm – the heart of his fears – to visualize him sitting down and taking a bite of his beloved sandwich. After a minute or so, I felt him calm down, and asked, “Are you ready to keep going?” “Yep!”, he answered, and on we went. Every time he felt overwhelmed, we paused for a bite, and were able to navigate the depths of his fear with grace and grit.
It’s been said that life begins at the edge of your comfort zone, and it’s true: Staying where it’s comfortable is one way to stay stuck. But that doesn’t mean we can’t find some comfort as we navigate the storms of life.
Finding comfort in the storm helps us navigate the winds of change. {tweet it}
If you’re faced with a storm in your own life – a challenging relationship, pressure or uncertainty in your business, self-doubt, or the recognition that something’s gotta give – find the comfort that will carry you through, so you can find your way without shutting down, closing off, freaking out, or quitting half-way.
HOW TO FIND COMFORT IN THE STORM:
1. FIND YOUR PB&J
What is something healthy (no nail-biting or cigarettes) that gives you comfort? For me, it’s my hair. Touching my hair and taking a deep breath reminds me that no matter what, I’m never alone (I’m here with me, after all), and I’ve navigated many storms before. I can feel my nervous system calm down, and my mind relax. So what is something healthy that gives you that feeling of “Aaaahhh…”?
2. PRACTICE RELAXING
In order for this to actually work, you’ve got to practice. Once you’ve identified your personal PB&J – your childhood Care Bear, resting a hand on your heart, the memory of holding Grandma’s hand – practice closing your eyes and envisioning that thing, and see how you react. Does it soothe you and slow you down? Good. It works!
3. PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET
Now you know that your PB&J is effective at calming you down, keep it as a tool in your back pocket – your personal blanky for weathering any storm. Next time you feel yourself get anxious or worried, reach for it, take a deep breath, and allow the soothing effects to wash over you. Of course, my friend doesn’t actually eat a PB&J each time he’s upset, but he can visualize how it feels to have one in his hands and take a bite, which can be enough to chill out.
4. COMMIT TO CALM
This is perhaps the most important point, because all the tools in the world won’t help if they’re collecting dust in the toolbox. When we’re used to spinning-out into dramas, living in emotional turmoil or collecting chaos in our lives, the biggest challenge can be simply committing to living in the peaceful present. For all of us, there will be times when upset finds its home in our hearts, and we just need to let the sadness be there. But if we’re piling negative narratives on top of our emotions, we create a firestorm of drama. Instead, allow the emotion be there and commit to being grounded and present instead of shut-down or freaked-out. How? Find your comfort in the storm.
—> In the comments below, join the sisterhood and share what your personal PB&J is, and any tools you have for moving through challenging times with an open heart.
Oh, and my friend and his wife? They’re better than ever.
This is so beautiful, Nisha! One of the tools I use that you shared with me is to stroke my arm, or my shoulder. Having that comforting touch reminds me of being comforted as a child, and also that I am here with myself and will get through it. The other thing that helps is if I am at home, to snuggle with my dogs. Petting them, and letting their calm, loving energy wash over me is very soothing for me when I’m feeling sad or overwhelmed.
That’s a great tip, Melissa. Thanks for sharing. Pets, yes, and holding babies helps me, too! xoxo
First time posting here. Love this! Thank you, Nisha. For me, what helps me most is when I visualize myself lying down on the soft sand of the beach at night, either listening to the waves or star gazing (or both when I can). The sound of rain and thunder also soothes me.
Love,
Mona
p.s. Nisha, thank you for your beautiful, amazing posts. Found you through the wonderful Alexis Neely/Ali Shanti. I spent the past few weeks reading and reflecting on your blog posts and it has been nothing but such a great, enlightening journey.
Welcome, sister. How wonderful we found one another, Mona. I love the idea of the beach at night – so soothing and relaxing. Thanks for sharing.
Beautiful Blog Nisha. My most recent intention has been calmness of mind, so I closely relate to committing to calm. I have a few go-tos for centering myself: picking an affirmation card from a deck that I love to use, hand on heart/deep breathe/with a gentle self-hug and child’s pose.
Never underestimate the power of a deep breath and a self-hug. Much love to you Beverly.
Amazing piece of writing + tool, Nisha! My blanky is an exercise that Cora taught me, where I pretend like I’m holding and rocking my baby self. I love doing it, especially in the morning when I first wake up. I’m also a big meditator, and that changes everything.
Love,
Lula
Oh so beautiful, Lula belle 🙂 Thank you for sharing. xo
I love this. Something deeply on my mind since supporting my baby in beginning to learn how to self soothe and put himself to sleep. What is it that comforts him other than my breasts? And what is it that comforts me when I’m in times of sadness and uncertainty and fear? Singing. Nature. Prayer. A myofascial release ball under my sacrum:)
And … I just have to talk for a minute about how Fabulous your site is! What a big, readable, beautiful blog!! Finally design that is evolving to be easier for the reader – thank you!!
Love you, Woman.
Love your wisdom and constant, graceful generosity.
Love,
KC
Love you too, KC! So much! You are teaching me how to mama by being such a beautifully aware and attentive mama to your little guy and yourself. xox
I’ve had so many major stressors in my life and many in the past 3 years, I almost feel as if I’ve worn out the muscle of fear and anxiety–now it might last for a few moments but mostly I don’t lose sleep and stop eating as I did before. Now, what I do is remember how wonderful I felt when I was walking the streets of Paris, realizing I was there by myself, how full my heart felt and how empowered I felt. I also remember the fullness in my heart I feel when I’m standing in front of an easel as I paint. Those are the times I completely lose myself. Living through all the stresses in my life kind of made me more resilient and also taught me how to comfort myself and feel safe. Thanks for this!!
Lovely, Gayle. What a beautiful gift you have given yourself during those times of discomfort.
I recall a time as a child at a lake in northern Minnesota when, after getting exhausted from swimming I went in the cabin and collapsed on the couch. I was aware of my uncle putting a warm blanket over me as I drifted off to sleep. Felt like pure nurturing.
What a beautiful act of love. The blanket and the memory. Pure love.
I find that repeating to myself “I am enough. I have enough.” breaks the overwhelm and reminds me to breathe.
Wonderful. Love it.
I really love every post of you – and it bears so much value. So thank you for sharing it with us.
I call this technique “Setting anchor” and it really works for me as well as for my Clients a safety-net when things get to worse.
My anchor pr PB&J is imagening being surrounded by my angels, my Guides and having my two Totem-anmials on my side.
And sometimes I also touch my belly, my arms or my face and breath consciously to calm me down or I just pray.
Much Love, Priska
Setting anchor – yes. That’s great. I love your PB&J, sister. Thanks so much for sharing.