I’ve spent much of the last few years heartbroken.
I can say that now because the heartbreak has passed and the sting of its memory is gone. I’ve cried all the tears and wondered all the why’s, and now we are softened into the sweet relief of love.
I blame no one for my heartbreak, including myself.
We fell in love, broke up, never fell out of love, got back together, broke up, never fell out of love, got back together…
Never fell out of love.
Every couple has a different dance, and no dance is perfect for anyone else but that couple.
This has been our perfect dance.
We’ve danced this dance to be truer to ourselves, to be clearer in our commitments, to be more courageous in our actions, to be softer in our hearts.
We’ve danced this dance for our ancestors, our children, each other, and ourselves.
But this perspective on love and relating was hard-earned.
There were many times in the last few years when I felt like the compass in my heart pointed everywhere and nowhere at once. I felt lost in the space between yesterday and desire, unable to go back to yesterday, unable to find my way home.
In this space, I questioned my sense of inner-knowing, the worthiness of my desires, and the very nature of life and love.
In holding the hearts of many women as they’ve navigated this space, I know how common it is, and how painful it is to feel uncertain in love.
When our hearts feel shaky, it’s hard to feel secure.
When the very foundation of our hearts feels shaky or broken and we’re unable to find up from down, it’s hard to find our footing anywhere. Work feels more difficult, health is a greater challenge, confidence is thrown for a loop, and decision-making is more daunting.
At the same time, while we’re struggling to find our footing in love, we are also standing on the precipice of possibility.
The greatest gift of a shaky or uncertain heart is the opportunity to heal the hurts that we may not even have known were there – from our childhood, earlier relationships, even from our parents’ relationship – and discover a love that’s deeper than we have even imagined.
The great pain of heartbreak is the shattering of our attachments.
The great gift of heartbreak is the shattering of our attachments.
In the process of loving and losing, falling together and breaking open, I’ve learned a thing or two hundred about trusting deep knowing, releasing attachment, residing in the heart, and coming home to self-love, again, and again…and again, and again. The journey of loving another, at it’s core, is a journey home to ourselves. It tests our relationship with Source and our willingness to be here while we’re alive. It’s the medicine that guides us to grow through misery and dance with magic. It teaches us humility and majesty. It’s begs us to bow at the feet of the divine and our parents to say “Thank you. Thank you for this life. I am here, I am here, I am here.” It seduces us into the truth: That if we have the capacity to love another with such depth, then we must be love itself.
In navigating being single and dancing in togetherness, I’ve called on my dearest soul sisters for support and clarity, to help midwife me back to a deep trust in love and to help me navigate the twists and turns of relationship. As my friend Kavita has said to me many times, “You can’t mess it up if you’re being true to your heart.”
Discontent is an opportunity to be truthful.
Heartbreak is an opportunity to love.
{tweet it}
If you’re experiencing heartbreak, whether it’s a breakup, a struggling relationship, or a hard time finding true love, embrace it. I promise you – the love you seek can be found in the space between yesterday and your heart’s desire.
If you desire support in navigating this space, Kavita has created a video series called Soul Level Love that is both deeply practical and heart-warmingly wise. You can join here: Soul Level Love video series
—> In the comments below, I would love to hear from you. What heartbreak are you struggling with, and what is your heart’s true desire? If you’re on the other side of heartbreak, what wisdom can you share with those who are struggling? I can’t wait to connect, and to hold your desires in my heart…
Hey Nisha,
Your words always truly touch me and have helped me through some struggles. Thank you so much for sharing. The man I truly loved and who I was planning to marry and have kids with, left me a little over half a year ago totally out of the blue. After three years, he would even refuse to talk to me, moved out oft our apartment immediately and had a new girlfriend within two weeks. I had so many questions , that never got answered and I was’nt prepared. I was so heartbroken. Felt all the feelings you described. And of course it still hurts sometimes, because it cut really deep…BUT: I truly tried and try to embrace life. I kept going out in the world and to see all the beauty with open eyes. Because the world is still beautiful. And my girlfriends and friends were always there for me. I was so lucky to experience real sisterhood. And now I also try to take my chances again. It is not easy, but tomorrow I will go on my first date since that day my old life shattered. And I’m excited, what life will hand me next.. I think we all will be fine! Thank you so much again! Love Evi
I am so sorry this happened to you. No one deserves to be treated this way. Unfortunately, things fall apart, but there is a decent way to handle things. He is no prize to the new girlfriend. If he behaved this way once, he will do some version of it again. Sending you healing and love. Remember, how a person treats others, especially the mother of their children, says everything about them. His character feels not so appealing based on this behavior. I wish a much better man and life for you asap.
This is the same dance I stepped away from. Luckily we got separated geographically. It took forever but after a year of grief that included a miscarriage, I knew forgiveness was my only way out.
Great Post! Thank you for sharing..
Two things you said really hit the nail on the head for me. One being “The greatest gift of a shaky or uncertain heart is the opportunity to heal the hurts that we may not even have known were there – from our childhood, earlier relationships, even from our parents’ relationship – and discover a love that’s deeper than we have even imagined.” During the last four years I’ve taken a sabbatical from dating after the worst relationship i ever faced and endured and put myself love and healing above my priority to find a new or different man hoping he can make all those feelings go away and I’d feel better. It’s been very very hard, to learn to love myself and very very rewarding, many tears, a great mentor and Councillor, good friends, lot’s of reading, researching, reflecting, meditating, so much self care a sincere focus on what self love is. Facing and continuing to face those dark things that scared me throughout my precious journey has made me love and respect myself better in a way I never imagined was possible for myself. Instead of ignoring things that have marked me in a negative way throughout life hoping they disappear on their own, or be replaced by my next boyfriend taking that opportunity to face them head on has freed me from needing a man to fix my broken confidence and heart. A task none of us can do 100% for someone else in this life. I know now when looking for love to find a healthy person I have to focus on my health too. Love has to come from a love of yourself and within before given or received in a relationship there is no other way. This sabbatical and focus as i call it is increased my confidence, standards, helped me to respect myself for all I’ve gone through in life and challenging me to keep going. This leads me to my other favorite thing you mentioned. “The journey of loving another, at it’s core, is a journey home to ourselves.” This experience has defiantly tough me this is the truth. It’s a journey worth taking, the journey of self love.