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Dare to desire

When I played house as a little girl, I always wanted to be the Mom.  I loved taking care of “my kids” – making food for them in our imaginary kitchen, helping them with their homework, and reading them bedtime stories.

Throughout elementary school, when we wrote or created art projects about our future, I always imagined myself as a CEO (hello!), wearing colorful clothes and fancy Mexican jewelry (nailed it!), and being a loving mother and wife.  Sidenote: I distinctly remember clipping out a picture of Arnold Palmer (the golfer) to be my future husband in a collage.  That is not happening.

So when I met with a fertility doctor a few weeks ago, to discuss freezing my eggs, I was excited to be engaging with this vision I have for my family.    After reading my bloodwork and doing some tests, he sighed with some weight and looked me in the eye.  “You’re 35, but based on what I’m seeing here, your egg supply is more like that of a 37 year old.  You have half as many eggs as I’d hoped you would.”

I could feel a part of me contract, as I heard the question I’d always avoided boom through my mind: What if I never have children?

In the few days that followed, I reached out to a few girlfriends who’d faced the same question, I talked to my coach about this fear I’d been afraid to face, and I vowed to my body that I’d listen carefully to her needs.  And as I stepped into grappling with this question, I also knew that nothing was lost.  Women have babies all the time (even some who are told they can’t, outright), my body is designed to create life, and I’m not actually wanting to get pregnant today, anyways.

Through this process, though, I felt really in touch with what can happen when something we felt so clear about, seems like it’s going out-of-focus…

I’ve seen it when women go through miscarriages, breakups, divorces, failed business partnerships, unexpected tax bills, health scares, and disappointing program launches – when things don’t go the way we were sure they would.

We can become gripped with fear, asking “What if it never happens for me?”
We can slide into shame, asking “What did I do to deserve this?”
We can feel embarrassed to share our desires, vowing “I won’t ever tell people what I want, just in case…”
We can feel betrayed by our intuition, wondering “How can I ever trust my visions again?”

When things aren’t working out the way we were sure they would, we can back away from envisioning, sharing, and even feeling our desires.   We become afraid to see the future, and talk about it, in case we have to face the pain and embarrassment of being wrong.

But life is not linear and desires are not always served on a silver platter.  If a baby gave up every time they fell in an attempt to walk, they’d never stand on their own two feet.  If every woman who was told she couldn’t have children gave up, we’d have so many children without homes.  If everyone who’s ever had a business setback quit, we wouldn’t have airplanes, direct shipping or your favorite restaurant.

When we spiral into fear, shame, embarrassment and a feeling of betrayal – backing away from our desires – we lose the opportunity to see a vision for something greater.  It takes courage in those moments of disappointment to lean back towards our desires, but that is the dance of desire.  Focus.  Refocus.  Dare to desire.

When we turn away from our desires, rather than re-focus, we lose sight of the beauty that awaits us. {tweet it}

HOW TO DANCE WITH DESIRE

Know that stumbling blocks happen.
We are messy humans living on a messy planet. We’re resilient and powerful, but we’re also vulnerable.  Things aren’t perfect.  So if there are stumbling blocks, you must be a human on her human path.  How willing are you to stumble and fall and get back up?

Take care of the part of you who’s sad.
It’s okay to feel all the feelings.  Disappointment is…well, disappointing.  Where we get lost, though, is when we are so identified with our emotions that we can’t gain any perspective.  So while you’re sad, angry, frustrated or ashamed, take care of yourself.  Be a loving, generous and patient mama to the part of you who’s hurting, and bandage her knees so she can get back to playing.

Grab someone’s hand.
We are not independent and we never have been; there is absolutely nothing any of us have ever done alone.  That food you eat?  Someone else helped get it to you.  So don’t try to be so independent, love.  Be sovereign and accountable for yourself, yes, but ask for support so you can move forward. Be willing to share your desires again, so that we can dream together.

Mine for gold.
Our ability to move through what’s happened and towards what we want is directly related to our ability to mine for gold.  When “bad” things happen, are you willing to look for the gifts and empowering lessons in the experience?  This is not about bypassing pain or the very real truth that sometimes things feel unjust – it’s about acknowledging the pain and the gifts.  And sometimes mining for gold takes time, but open your willingness.

Look for positive proof.
Other people having what you want is not proof that you can’t have it, it’s proof that you can – it just might look different than you imagine.  By looking for people who have their version of what you desire (a new mom over 40, a sister who found her true love at 65, a woman who’s running her business in a way that you admire), you can begin to see that your dreams are not so crazy.  Look for positive proof that the universe is abundant, and that there’s room for everyone’s desires.

Focus on how you want to feel.
Sometimes we get lost when things seem to go awry, because we were completely attached to things looking a particular way.  And while it’s beautiful to envision how things might look when we have what we want in our hands, when we focus solely on the details, we often miss the gifts standing right in front of us.  In truth, what we receive is often so much greater than we could have imagined, even when there are plenty of bumps in the road.  Focus on how you want to feel, and cultivate those feelings today.  This will help release attachment, while remaining committed to what matters.

Dare to desire.
When we dare to desire, even in the face of disappointment or uncertainty, we turn ourselves back in the right direction.  Sometimes it takes courage to desire, but desire is the fuel of life and without it, how do we know where to go?  Yes, your own path will be winding, but continue to dare to desire.

→ In the comments below, share a time that you turned away from your desire, and how you turned yourself back around.  We’d love to hear your story.

 

34 Comments

  1. Nisha, thank you for this. I know this is a big deal for so many women. Thank you for the bravery. For me, it’s building my business and being in control of my time, freedom and money and just being HAPPY and stop with all the struggling. I can’t really say I’m out of it because it’s a constant effort to keep turning towards my desire. It feels like a day to day practice, and honestly BATTLE, to keep believing that yes, joy is for me, yes, I am worthy and being myself is the greatest offering I can give to the world and yes, I can love and enjoy my body and keep growing into it and not hate it all the time as a way of bonding with women. I want to thank you and Sarah and Nitika Chopra and Kavita for the way all of you lead as positive examples and for you (personally) have been my power of example from day ONE. From your style and vision and essence, I constantly feel like I’m referencing you and it’s more of a thank you for being you which allowed me the freedom to be me. xo

    • So grateful for you and your amazing presence here Awo, thank you sister. Receiving your words with an open and loving heart xo

  2. Thank you for sharing this!

    I feel often we shy away or downright avoid pursing our passion because we fear if we fail there will be nothing left for us, we’ll lose our identity. I know I believed that for a long time. What I finally learned was that when I fully embraced my purpose, my passion, a floodgate of creative energy opened. I have sooo many options to try that I no longer fear I’ll fail and disappear. My fear is developing a brave little callus that can stand a few bumps and a little failure “road rash!”

    • Love this Donna, what a fun analogy to consider! Know that I am supporting you fully as you continue to deepen in your purpose, passion and creative delicious energy xo

  3. My fav method is what I call “the but technique”. It’s perfect for every type of negative feeling, setback, judgmenet, etc. Example:

    – I should not invest in ousourcing these tasks (that I could slave a bit and do them myself). I should first reach $x and maybe later.

    BUT

    – i’m learning how to manage people
    – i have more time for higher value tasks, like strategy and product development
    – i get more clarity on who is a good fit to work with me and who is not
    – as my needs increase i’ll have already found good people to work with me
    – the common problem is actually needing more people than the ones I have => As a founder I always have to be hiring and always have to be on the lookout for star players
    – even if i could potentially do something myself, I deserve the extra time for myself, even if I choose to do nothing! I don’t have to give an explanation report to myself about what I do or don’t do!

    Ta-dah! A few BUTs later and the situation appears to be completely different!

    • You so deserve that extra time for yourself love! Honored to be a witness of you honoring this for you xo

  4. Wow, Nisha, this was such a beautiful and honest post. Thank you for sharing with such transparency. I suffered a miscarriage this year and felt like the world was crumbling around me. Then, everyone else seemed to be getting pregnant. It was definitely a difficult road to walk. I love the “Mine For Gold” technique. Such a brilliant perspective shift during dark times. Thank you.

    • Sarah, thank you for your share and for living life so courageously, holding a loving vision of you creating all that is in your heart to create. I know you will be a very beautiful mama one day, Sending you so much love and a big hug your way xo

  5. I had planning to be a teacher ever since I was three. It didn’t happen. I failed my student teacher course in college and instead of taking the course again, my professors told me I was not fit to be a teacher and said I was graduating without my teaching license. I was beyond devastated and felt like such a failure! To this day, I’m still mourning the loss of the dream of being a classroom teacher. But, now through my work with children in different avenues, yoga and meditation practices Im working on forgiveness and seeing that I’m still a teacher, but in a different way. In a way I never even thought of. In a better more authentic and meaningful way. It wasn’t how I pictured, and that still stings, but I’m starting to form a new dream. Im dreaming, I’m learning, and I’m a teacher- no matter what.

    • You so are a teacher, Naomi, and you are defining what a teacher means through your personal growth and expansion, which makes it even more powerful. So, sister, I am here to celebrate you and thank you for being such a courageous soul. Grateful for you presence, love. Please don’t ever stop teaching us. xoxo

  6. hopping over from instagram. i love this post and i love your vulnerability, sweet one. my little is adopted and i can’t imagine for one second having done it any other way. whatever way you become a mama (if, when the time comes, you decide to do that) will be brilliant and lovely and a gift for the little soul who you parent. and if you decide later that it’s not in the cards, so be it. shit shakes out in ways we’d never have imagined it…and passing down our own genes in the end rarely makes a difference in the least.

    here’s to being open and honest and feeling all of the feelings no matter what they are. xoxo

    • Thank you so much, Dr. Samantha. I love your support and deeply appreciate it, sister! And I know you are the best Mama that precious little one of yours can have 🙂 xo

  7. Thank you Nisha! This blog post is just what I needed to hear this morning. I have been thinking of becoming a coach for a long time now, it is like my big dream, and all of a sudden these days I am overwhelmed by so many fears (failing, there are sooo many coaches out there…) and what ifs, soooo: this blog really helped! I particularly liked the ‘positive proof’ bit, a great way of reframing things!

    • Can’t wait to see the world being gifted by your coaching, Vera. Please follow your heart, sister. Loving you. xoxo

  8. Such an important and thought-provoking article. One month from 37, with chronic disease that already would make me a high-risk pregnancy, my doctor told me if I am going to have kids, he’d prefer I have them in the next 3-4 years. I have dreamed of being a mother since I was a very young child too, but my adulthood trajectory has led me further and further from that reality. I *think* I am at peace with the idea that I may very well not have any children of my own this lifetime, but I have a fulfilling family and love life and I have many other dreams to follow. If it does happen, I would be overjoyed at the honor of being a parent, however the “mother” indentity no longer defines me and what I envision my future to necessarily be like. I love the idea of a fulfilling life, and I think being a fulfilled person from the start is one of the greatest gifts you could give as a parent to any potential future child.

    • I so lovingly agree with you, Renee, and I am happy to hear that you feel deliciously fulfilled. May this life and your journey continue to unfold before you in magical ways. Loving you, sister. xo

  9. Thanks for this beautiful and honest post. It certainly hits home for me. I’ve always wanted to be a mom too, and I’ve assumed that it will happen for sure. I spent years in relationships with men who were not interested or ready to be fathers, and I allowed their position to influence me. I had to pry myself away and out of that pattern so that I could really be with what I truly want.

    I’m now 42 and without a partner to do this with (yet!) and I definitely feel the pressure of time and the real possibility that it will “never happen for me”. However, that mindset of being in fear and worry wasn’t benefiting me, so I decided to do look for positive proof. I spent an evening on the internet researching women over 40 having babies. There are so many of us doing it! I walked away feeling inspired and like it really is possible. Since then I’ve heard tons of stories about friends of friends who are having babies at my age and older.

    I’ve also decided to take consistent actions that will lead me towards what I so desire: spending time with my friends new baby, taking excellent care of my body, balancing my hormones, getting sleep, eating well, cultivating trust and faith, taking herbs that help fertility, and mayan abdominal massage. Doing those things gives me an empowered and real way to continue to stake claim to my dream. I will not give up! Even though it can appear that the odds are against me at times, I choose to believe and to walk towards my desire.

    Blessings on your journey!!

    • So supporting you and yes yes yes! Choose to believe, sister. The magic does happen. Sending you so much love.

  10. I’m taking care of the parts of me that are sad and sometimes needing love. I have work to do and I’m focusing on this before anything else. If I past that period of having kids then all is still well and I will continue to add joy in other ways – loving the child within.

    • Yes Ginger, love HER with all of you, and she will support you and guide you always. Your child within is so precious. xo

  11. OMG Nisha! I am in love with this post. I just started following your work, and i must say this post almost made me cry. Thank you so much for writing so beautifully. Right now, I’m starting off my life in a new direction – empowering lives. And i’ve just started my own website to help women feel beautiful from within. There are so many fears in me that is keeping me small. One specifically is inviting experts to do a guest interview with me. I just can’t show them my website! After reading your post, it’s so clear to me now. Dare to desire. Uncertainty can be very scary, but if I let that stop me from living my desires, I will not be happy.

    • SO happy to have you here, Alexia. Thank you for your support and amazing spirit; grateful for you, sister. ox

  12. Wow, Nisha, Thank you! This blog is so vulnerable and so powerful and very timely. Thank you for sharing your insight and experience….it gives me a lot to think about.

    • You are so welcome, Abby, and thank YOU for being here. We are in this together. xoxo

  13. Nisha, thank you from the bottom of my heart for this post. I so needed these words this morning. My heart has been heavy, as I’m facing a similar question around being a mother in the future. And with this I’ve total backed away from envisioning, sharing, and feeling my desires. I’m definitely going to be spending some time taking care of the part of me that’s sad about this and get back in touch with my desires. Huge thanks and big love to you! xo

    • Loving you and supporting you so big, Megan, and please do LOVE all of the precious parts in you that need you, sister. xo

  14. “Everything you needs, needs you”, is what my Godfather often reminds me when my hearts desires something that has yet to manifest.

    • That is just beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. Your Godfather is a wise man and so are you for listening 🙂 Grateful to have you here. xo

  15. Nisha you are so fantastic! and p.s. I have a close friend who just had a beautiful, healthy baby girl 2 months ago…she is 47 (almost 48). 😉

    • Wow, this is so amazing. Thank you for sharing this with me, Amber. A miracle and such a gift for your friend at 47. xoxo

  16. What a powerful post! I always wanted to have a family; and I do. I have two children and have been very devoted to raising them. However, in the process of leaving an abusive relationship with their father I lost my relationship with one of them due to Parental Alienation Syndrome. My other child has recently been diagnosed as bipolar, which is a severe strain on our relationship. So although I do have children, I have long mourned the loss of what I thought those relationships would be.
    Even though these challenges exist, I continue to move forward with other areas of my life and always work towards and hold out hope for improved relationships with both of my children. I am using these challenges as fuel and foundation for coaching others in wellness and divorce.

    • Thank you Laura for sharing your story with me, and I can so appreciate your strength of heart, and the wisdom that is emanating from you through this experience. Powerful things happen when we allow our current situations to lead us into how we assist others as we are expanding and growing to. Your children are so lucky to have a mama like you, thank you sister for being the change xo With so much love

  17. I just found your blog Nisha, and this post was the first I’ve read. Than I’ve read some more and decided to share something very intimate…
    The process you describe here is exactly what I went through last year. I had a miscarriage around 11 weeks of pregnancy. I felt for a long time that something was not right, but I was in denial. When it happened, I knew I had to sit with myself and take a hard look at how and why I do things.
    I sat down to meditate – something I always said I’d start doing, but barely ever did. I sat down and let myself grieve. But instead of getting lost in it, I started to look for the ‘gold’ as you said. And it changed me profoundly. In just a short time I’ve learned more about myself, than in years before. I ‘woke up’ in a way.
    There is still pain about loosing that little soul, but there’s also a feeling of calm, peace and strength. Him and I only had a short time together, but he taught me so much, that I can’t be anything else but grateful for this experience.
    This is a reminder for me that every difficulty holds an opportunity, no matter how small or how big. Thank you for this post, and that you provide a space to tell our own stories.

    • Veronika, sister, welcome to the community and thank you for sharing so openly about your experience. It takes such courage to open our hearts in the face of heartbreak and challenge. Sending you so much love and I’m so happy you’re here! With love, Nisha

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